When my mom died a year ago, the single most compelling thought was how much older I felt. Without Mom to share my day, concerns and thoughts with, I had more responsibility for how that day was spent and how I invested my time and emotion. Mom was ready to die, in truth, she had been preparing for awhile and we had had long conversations about the end of her life. While I was ready to let go, I was unprepared for how much older I would feel without her.
My good friend and mentor, Jane introduced me to the Desiderata written by Max Ehrmann when I was a freshman in college. There were many valuable life-lessons in this poem, which was written in 1927, that I have taken to heart in my 40+ years since. As I approach my 61st birthday, I find myself focused on the part of the poem which advises the reader to “Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth.” It’s a two-part bit of wisdom, the first requiring thoughtful effort of those things one has learn from others as well as one’s own life experiences. The second is simply that of acceptance.
Mom’s life was a study in the meaning of acceptance. ”Let go, Let God” was one of her mantras. As she grew older, Mom became increasingly more able to accept her illness and all the other things that did not necessarily meet with her approval. Perhaps that is one of the things that “the years” teach you. You must learn to accept much of what life brings you, even when you disapprove. As a young adult, I found much in the world to rail against. As I’ve grown older, acceptance has become easier for me too.
Age does have its privileges. At 60 I slowed down, I now spend less time explaining, and apologizing, and fighting winless battles. I have fewer regrets. I gave up going to Mass, not because my faith had weakened, but because it had grown beyond obligation and ritual. I feel ready to dig deeper into the spiritual wisdom of other traditions and embrace those things that resonate with my own faith experience. I breath more deeply and allow my gaze to rest longer on those things around me. God’s presence can be felt in everything that exists. I try to clear my mind of distractions, live in the moment, quietly and meditatively. The past and the future both burden the mind and spirit with endless concerns. Life provides moments of absolute peace that are lost unless you can focus on the present moment.
It has been relatively easy to gracefully surrender some of the things of youth. I have never been one to color my hair. I don’t mind the silver that has slowly crept across my head. I’ve earned that silver, the roots are deep! It suits me. I am slowing losing my hearing, but I think I’m okay with that too. There may be great benefit to living in a quieter world as well as needing to lean in more closely and listen more carefully to the people I care most about. Besides, I think it’s possible that I get along better with some people when I can’t hear them! The physical limitations that come with aging require painful acceptance. As arthritis sets in, joints refuse move as they once did, and endurance fails, I am reminded that the ability to move is directly related to one’s health. In many ways, Mom’s passing was liberating; I no longer had an excuse to avoid some gentle, consistent daily exercise and I can now focus on my own health. While I’d prefer a long walk along the Carolina beaches, water aerobics and yoga seem to work well and now fit into my daily routine.
I decided to return to a past love and took on a part-time job as a Senior Usher at the Blumenthal Theater in uptown Charlotte. The job requires that I welcome the patrons, make them feel comfortable and work to ensure their safety. In exchange I get to enjoy opera, the symphony, broadway musicals as well as as variety of cultural and entertainment venues that I might not be drawn to otherwise. I’m learning and expanding my cultural literacy. I love the job and earn enough to do a few extra things with my husband, daughters and grandchildren.
Recognizing the wisdom that was acquired while growing older is a slower, more thoughtful process. What other thoughts and experiences resonated with my own, or provided me with inspiration, or motivation? What have I learned about living a life that has an element of truth, of value and is worth sharing? What have I learned in my 61 years that might be worthy of passing along to my grandchildren.
“The purpose of life is a life with purpose” (Robert Byrne) Live an inspired life. Don’t allow others to set goals for you or discourage you from goals that you have set for yourself. This is especially important in terms of education and career choices. Be a force to be reckoned with, stay committed, be courageous in achieving your potential. You know best who you are. Believe in yourself.
“Tie your knots tight” I have met many courageous, compassionate and generous people in my lifetime. Individuals who have taught me a great deal about life and how to live with integrity. The relationships that you value most, and are most grateful for, deserve consistent attention. I know that nurturing those relationships, connecting often and building memories together makes life richer. It is especially important to me that I maintain strong and supportive relationships with my four daughters. They have my respect and admiration as well as my heart. I want to build memories with my grandchildren and grow really old with my husband, Charles.
Celebrate Life. One of the best ways to do this is to recognize your many blessings and express your gratitude often. The world around us is full of miracles, large and small. Learn to appreciate all the good stuff that already fills your days. Try to start each day with a sense of wonder and gratitude. No matter what happens with the rest of your day, on balance, you will remain in a good place mentally and emotionally.
“We judge ourselves by our good intentions, we judge others by their actions.” This bit of wisdom adapted from Stephen M.R. Covey, was also expressed by Native Americans. “Walk a mile in another man’s moccasins before you criticize him.” I have sometimes been very judgemental. But I have learned that holding onto hurt feelings, disappointments or resentment hurt more, emotionally and physically, than the original injury. If you can try to understand the motivation of the offender, even when the action remains inexcusable, it goes a long way toward forgiveness and healing. Wounds don’t heal if you pick at them and scars become signs of survival.
“When elephants fight, it is the grass that suffers.” Don’t misunderstand, there are people, values and ideals that merit the struggle. But some things suffer more if you persist. Knowing the difference is important for the survival of your reputation, integrity and your self-worth. If you want respect and the ability to make a difference, learn to pick your battles. Having said that, I will admit to being passive-aggressive. It’s sometimes possible, with patience and persistence, to win the fight without sacrificing a single blade of grass.
“A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.” (Winston Churchill) Perspective makes all the difference. Optimism trumps pessimism. If problems are not thought of as automatic defeats, but rather as challenges, an individual becomes a winner with or without sucess. An optimist knows that there is something to be gained from every endeavor. Every effort results in a learning experience, however it turns out. I’m paraphrasing here but, If you cannot control the wind, know that you can always set the sails.
Practice acts of kindness and acknowledge the invisible among us. Be kind, in all that you do. Do not intentionally set out to embarrass, make fun of or injure another. If you do, the result is almost always that you become the “bully”. Make eye contact and speak to the custodian, the cashier, and toll booth attendant. Notice all those who take on the most humble roles and professions, they are also heroic, and deserving of our admiration. I made the mistake of under-estimating some people. It humbles you and reminds you that we never know enough about someone to pre-judge them.
Don’t waste your emotional energy worrying about things that you cannot control. I’ve learned it is like sitting in a rocking chair, no matter how fast you rock back and forth, you never get anywhere! On the other hand, if there is something that you can do, take control, jump in fearlessly and do it! Develop backup plans so you are less likely to make mistakes, feel helpless or worse … useless. I am a huge advocate of “The backup plan”. If you consider the options and have strategies that aid in problem solving or coping in times of misfortune and stress, you are less likely to feel powerless.
I know that I can hold my head high in any room and I’ve reminded my daughters that they can too. The Desiderata reminds me that “If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter; for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.” I can hold my head high in any room. It is not that I think I am better than anyone else, but that I am equal to all and an integral part of this great story.
I’m keeping my scene safe. Here is the Desiderata in its entirety:
Go placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even the dull and ignorant; they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter; for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs; for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself. Especially, do not feign affection. Neither be critical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is as perennial as the grass.
Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness. Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should. Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be, and whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul. With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be careful. Strive to be happy.
© Max Ehrmann 1927
